Obama Hears a Help

Obama Hears a “Help!”

(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)

On the fifteenth of May, in the County of Cook,
Swimming in the green pool of money he took,
He was splashing…concocting more ploys …
When Barack Obama heard a small noise.

Obama stopped splashing. He looked towards the sound.
“That’s funny,” thought Barry. “There’s no one around.”
Then he heard it again! Just a very faint yelp
As if some tiny person were calling for help.
“I’ll help you,” said Obama. “But who are you? Where?”
He looked and he looked. He could see nothing there
But a small speck of dust blowing past though the air.

“I say!” murmured Barry. “I’ve never heard tell
Of a small speck of dust that is able to yell.
So you know what I think?…Why, I think that there must
Be some sort of nation on that small speck of dust!
Some sort of a country of very small size,
too small to be seen by a tyrant’s brown eyes…

“…some poor little republic shaking with fear
That he’ll blow in the pool! He has no way to steer!
I’ll just have to crush him. Because, after all,
A nation’s a nuisance, no matter how small.”

So, quickly, and using the least of care,
Obama stretched his arm through the air,
And he lifted the dust speck and carried it over
And dropped it on the ground, where his raised foot hovered.

“Humpf!” humpfed a voice. ‘Twas a sour Constitution.
“You’re actions are akin to vile prostitution!”
“Why, that tiny, pitiful nation is the mightiest on Earth.
Don’t crush it just because it’s not your country of birth!”

“Believe me,” said Obama. “I tell you sincerely,
My ears are quite keen and I heard him quite clearly.
And what’s more, I know there’s a nation down there.
Quite simply, dear sir, I just do not care!
Quite simply…”

“…the American family, for all that you know!
A family with children just starting to grow.
So, please,” the Constitution said, “as a favor to me,
Try not to disturb them. Just let them be.”

“I think you’re a fool!” laughed Obama, so lewd.
And Hillary Clinton (eavesdropping) said, “Me, too!
You’re the biggest threat to this structure of ours!”
And Obama and Clinton went home to their towers.

“What terrible waste!” the Constitution frowned.
“I can’t let my very small persons get drowned!
I’ve got to protect them. I’m bigger than they.”
So he plucked up the nation and hustled away.

Through Washington DC, the news quickly spread:
“He cares for the country! He’s out of his head!
Just look at him walk with that nation on his shoulder!”
And the weight on his back was heavier than a boulder.
“Should I put this country down?…” the Constitution thought with alarm.
“If I do, these small persons may come to great harm.
I can’t put it down. And I won’t! After all
A person’s a person. No matter how small.”

Then the Constitution stopped walking.
The speck-voice was talking!
The voice was so faint he could just barely hear it.
“Speak up, please,” Said Constitution. He put his ear near it.

“My friend,” came the voice, “you’re a very fine friend.
You’ve helped all us folks on this dust speck no end.
You’ve saved all our houses, our ceilings and floors.
You’ve saved all our churches and grocery stores.”

“You mean…” Constitution gasped, “you have buildings there, too?”
“Oh, yes,” piped the voice. “We most certainly do…
“I know,” called the voice, “I’m too small to be seen
But I’m Mayor of a town that is friendly and clean.
Our buildings, to you, would seem terribly small
But to us, who aren’t big, they are wonderfully tall.
My town is called Small Town, USA
And we’re tired of our freedoms being taken away.”

And the Constitution called back to the Mayor of the town,
“You’re safe now. Don’t worry. I won’t let you down.”

But, Just as he spoke to the Mayor of the speck,
Three bullies climbed up the Constitution’s neck!
The Kennedy Brothers came shouting, “What rot!
This Constitution’s talking to those who have not!
There aren’t any “small towns” and they don’t have a Mayor!
And we’re going to stop all this nonsense! So there!”

They snatched the Constitution! They carried it off
To a black-hearted eagle named Bernie Madoff,
A mighty big crook, of very Left wing,
And they said, “Will you kindly get rid of this thing?”
And, before the poor Constitution could even speak,
That eagle flew off with him in his beak.

All that late afternoon and far into the night
That black-hearted bird flapped his wings in fast flight,
While the Kennedy’s chased after, throwing large stones
That tattered the Constitution and battered his bones,
And he begged, “Please don’t harm all my little folks, who
Have as much right to live as you bigger folk do!”

But far, far beyond him, that eagle kept flapping
And over his shoulder called back, “Quit your yapping.
I’ll fly the night through. I’m a billionaire. I don’t mind it.
And I’ll hide this, tomorrow, where you’ll never find it!”

And at 6:56 the next morning he did it.
It sure was a terrible place that he hid it.
He let that Constitution drop somewhere inside
Of a patch of Federal Judges a hundred miles wide!
“Find THAT!” he said to the USA. “But I think you will fail.”
And he left
With a flip
Of his black-bottomed tail.

“We’ll find it!” Cried the Nation. “We’ll find it or bust!”
“We will find the friend to this small speck of dust!”
They checked under Judge after Judge with care,
They picked up and searched and cried “Are you there?”

But law after law after ruling they found
that the Constitution was no longer around
And by noon the USA (more dead than alive)
prayed for Obama to help them survive.

“I’ll help you all, your friend I will find
(even though this Constitution is no friend of mine.)
He’s somewhere nearby, this you will see,
and all his decrees will be dictated by me!”

Obama rose to the rank of a King,
A sociopath in the White House? Who allowed such a thing!
Surely not the people, who by majority vote
elected the other fellow on the ballot note.
“The American people? Who needs those turncoats?
I’ve been elected by the ELECTORIAL vote!”

So then they were punished by the man now in charge,
who wanted their money, in whole or in part.
“What about the Constitution?” the people all cried
“You don’t need it anymore!” Obama had lied!
And so the search for the Constitution then had resumed,
“If we don’t find it soon, the people are doomed!”

Then, on through the afternoon, hour after hour…
Till they found him at last! They needed his power!
“My friends!” said the Constitution. “Tell me! Do tell!
Are you safe? Are you sound? Are you whole? Are you well?”

From down on the speck came the voice of the Mayor:
“We’ve really had trouble! Much more than our share.
When that black-hearted birdie let go and we dropped,
We landed so hard that our clocks have all stopped.
Our schools are broken. Our churches are smashed.
And our automobile tires all blew up when we crashed.
So, Constitution, Please!” pleaded that voice of the Mayor’s,
“Will you stick by us people while we’re making repairs?”

“Of course,” Constitution answered. “Of course I will stick.
I’ll stick by you small folks though thin and though thick!”

“Humpf!” humpfed a voice!
“For two hundred years you’ve run wild and insisted
On protecting folks who should never have existed.
Such carrying-on in our Washington, DC!
We’ve had quite enough of your crazy ideas!
And I’m here to state,” snapped Barack the Cruel,
“That your silly nonsensical game is all through!”
And Hilary Clinton, (eavesdropping), said “Me, too!”

“With the help of the Kennedy Brothers and dozens
Of Kennedy Uncles and Kennedy Cousins
And Kennedy In-Laws, whose help I’ve engaged,
You’re going to be roped! And you’re going to be caged!
And, as for your dust speck…hah!
That we shall boil
In a hot steaming kettle of Global Warming Oil!”
“Boil it?…” gasped the Constitution!
“Oh, that you can’t do!
It’s all full of persons!
They’ll prove it to you!”

“Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!” the Constitution called. “Mr. Mayor!
You’ve got to prove that you really are there!
So call a big meeting. Get everyone out.
Make every MAN holler! Make every MAN shout!
Make every MAN scream! If you don’t, every man
Is going to end up in a lawless and Godless land!”

And, down on the dust speck, the scared little Mayor
Quick called a big meeting in Small Town Town Square.
And his people cried loudly. They cried out in fear:
“We are here! We are here! We are here! WE ARE HERE!”

The Constitution smiled: “That was clear as a bell.
You Liberals surely heard that very well.”
“All I heard,” snapped Barack the King, “Was the breeze,
And the faint sound of wind through the far-distant trees.
I heard no small voices. And you didn’t either.”
And Hillary Clinton (eavesdropping) said, “Me, neither.”

“Grab him!” they shouted, “And cage the big dope!
We’re giving the people their Change and their Hope!
Bind him so tight he’ll never shake loose!
Then dump that dumb speck in the Global Warming Juice!”

The Constitution fought back with great vigor and vim
But the Kennedy gang was too many for him.
They beat him! They mauled him! They started to haul
Him into his cage! But he managed to call
To the Mayor: “Don’t give up! I believe in you all
A person’s a person, no matter how small!
And you very small persons will not have to die
If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!”

The Mayor grabbed a tom-tom. He started to smack it.
And, all over the nation, they whooped up a racket.
They rattled tie kettles! They beat on brass pans,
On garbage pail tops and old cranberry cans!
They blew on bazookas and blasted great toots
On clarinets, oom-pahs and boom-pahs and flutes!

Great gusts of loud noise rang high through the air.
They rattled and shook the whole sky! And the Mayor
Called up through the howling mad hullabaloo:
“Hey Constitution! Hows this? Is our sound coming through?”

And the Constitution called back, “I can hear you just fine.
But Obama’s ears aren’t as strong, quite, as mine.
They don’t hear a thing! Are you sure all you boys
Are doing their best? Are they ALL making noise?
Are you sure every man in the country is working?
Quick! Look through your town! Is there anyone shirking?”

Through the town rushed the Mayor, From the east to the west.
But everyone seemed to be doing his best.
Everyone seemed to be yapping or yipping!
Everyone seemed to be beeping or bipping!
But it wasn’t enough, all this ruckus and roar!
He HAD to find someone to help him make more.
He raced through each building! He searched floor-to-floor!

And, just as he felt he was getting nowhere,
And almost about to give up in despair,
He suddenly burst through a door and that Mayor
Discovered one shirker! Quite hidden away
In Section Eight Housing (Apartment 12-J)
A very small, very small shirker named Jo-Jo
was standing, smoking a joint, and bouncing a Yo-Yo!
Not making a sound! Not a yipp! Not a chirp!
And the Mayor rushed inside and he grabbed the young twerp!

And he climbed with the lad up the Obama Tower.
“This,” cried the Mayor, “is your nation’s darkest hour!
The time for all Americans who have blood that is red
To come to the aid of their country!” he said.
“We’ve GOT to make noises in greater amounts!
So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!”

Thus he spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top,
The lad cleared his throat and he shouted out, “YOPP!”

And that Yopp…
That one small, extra Yopp pulled it down!
Finally, at last! From that speck on the ground
Their voices were heard! They rang out clear and clean.
And the Constitution smiled. “Do you see what I mean?…
They’ve proved they ARE persons, no matter how small.
And their whole world was saved by the smallest of All!”

“How true! Yes, how true,” said Obama the Cruel.
“And, from now on, you know what I’m gonna do?…
From now on, I’m going to protect them with you!”
And Hillary Clinton (eavesdropping) said…
“…ME, TOO!”
“From the sun in the summer. From rain when it’s fall-ish,
I’m going to protect them. No matter how small-ish!”

All through the crowd a cheer ran across,
(and nobody noticed Obama’s fingers were crossed).

The end!

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes, we know this has nothing directly to do with snus. We’re publishing it anyway. We would like to know what kind of snus Mr. Hubbard was using when he wrote it.]