Icetool 3 ml Stainless Steel and Moe Unz

Earlier today, we reported that the 3 ml IceTool loose snus portioning tool had been discontinued by the manufacturer.  Stainless steel IceTools are now only available in 5 ml and the recently introduced 4 ml versions.  At the SnusCentral Snus Store, this caused some unnecessary confusion.  The SnusCIA has traced back the communications failure to (no surprise here) none other than Moe Unz; Manager of SnusCentral.com.

* UPDATE:  3:28 AM Stockholm Time: The President of Icetools has released the following statement: “Folks, we haven’t discontinued 3 ml stainless steel Icetool and never will. It was the first we ever designed and people still likes it a lot. 3 ml ss Icetools were out of stock for awhile, but right now available as usual and there shouldn’t be any Icetool chaos anywhere – and if there really is, the best way to handle it is to contact Icetool office, we’ll fix it.”

The SnusCIA is in an uproar over this.  What does this mean?  Could Moe Unz be smarter than everyone thought?  Why did he set up this bizarre plot?  What is he really hiding?  OR could this have been a set-up by the SnusCentral Snus Store staff to make Moe look bad?  Heads will roll over this, whatever the real story turns out to be.

Below is our original report.  Once we know what actually happened, the new Director of the SnusCENTRAL Intelligence Agency will be making a statement.  Who knew the alleged cover-up of a simple inventory error would grow into this giant SnusCENTRAL Scandal?   Grandma Unz is furious.  This story will continue…….

Moe Unz: The Icetool Affair

Moe Unz is no stranger to controversy.  He does an incredible job of running the SnusCentral Snus Store in Sweden….when he is sober and not intentionally overdosing on nicotine.  When Moe goes off the wagon, chaos does usually ensue.  The most notable occasion was in April 2009 when JTI introduced the Swedish version of CAMEL Snus.  His face stuffed with portions and his breath reeking of rum, Unz shipped a carton overnight delivery to RJ Reynolds’ headquarters.

The box contained a can of JTI’s Swedish versions and unfortunately, a can of Reynolds Camel SNUS Frost containing horse feces.  A rambling, incoherent and obscene letter from Moe Unz to Reynolds CEO Susan Ivey was unfortunately included in the box.  It’s now believed the reason Reynolds Innovation later began suing Swedish snus eStores to prevent JTI CAMEL Snus from being sold into the United States is the direct result of Moe Unz and his package.

Unz was disciplined by the Snus Lords and has done a fair job of keeping his nicotine and alcohol problems under control….until now.  A couple of weeks ago, Moe received a letter from the Icetool folks.  Before he could open it, he spilled his hot coffee all over his desk and the Icetool letter.  His violently shaking hands were the cause of the coffee spill.  Once again, Moe Unz was at work jagged out on nicotine from eating the profits.

Not long after, SnusCentral.com began running low on 3 ml stainless steel Icetools.  When Warehouse staff brought this to Unz’s attention, he began screaming and beat them all with a broom.  His last order had included 3 ml stainless steel Icetools so obviously the staff was trying to make him look bad again.  What Unz didn’t know was that the SnusCentral Buyer had changed his order from the discontinued 3 ml Icetool to the 4 ml.  Everything really started going downhill from this point.

When the warehouse ran out of the 3 ml Icetools, the warehouse staff didn’t know what to do.  All the stainless steel Icetools in stock were now either 4 ml or 5 ml.  The store website still offered the 3 ml version and the 4 ml version wasn’t even up on the site.  The staff knew odds were good that if they went to Moe Unz for direction, he would beat them with the broom again and cut their snus ration.  Instead, some threw the more expensive 4 ml stainless steel Icetool into orders which contained the 3 ml.  Others were afraid to even touch orders containing 3 ml stainless steel Icetools.  There was Icetool chaos!

The situation came to light on October 13th when management at SnusCENTRAL.org received an email from Member N-Krypt asking why he ordered the 3 ml stainless steel Icetool but received the 4 ml instead.  The first reaction was “Hey, we don’t even carry the 4 ml Icetools, let alone the 4ml stainless steel Icetool. Maybe the manufacturer screwed up and sent us some instead of the 3 ml.”   Since the 4 ml version was more expensive than the 3 ml, it seemed a win for our customers…..unless we were billed for 5 ml Icetools and received 4 ml instead!  An investigation was immediately ordered.

Meanwhile,  Unz had discovered the store had 4 ml Icetools in stock and confronted the Buyer.  He was sober at the time and instantly realized the gravity of his error once the Buyer explained the 3 ml SS Icetool had been de-listed.  SnusCentral.com sells a lot of Icetools.  This could be a very costly mistake.

Unz briefly contemplated killing the Buyer and blaming it on her, but realized that he had no idea how to use the order management software.  Without the Buyer, the store would run out of everything.

The next day, Moe Unz arrived at the snus store before everyone else.  He went to the website and substituted the 4 ml SS for the 3 ml SS.  He altered the price to be lower than the competition and as an afterthought, put the 4 ml stainless steel Icetool on sale just to be safe.  Unz left a note saying that he had gone to visit his mother and went into hiding in Croatia.

SnusCIA investigators followed his snus trail and took Unz into custody less than 14 hours later.  Once the SnusCIA switched his General Ekstra Sterk for Marlboro roBust Snus, Moe broke into tears and the truth emerged.

Moe Unz; did we mention that he’s Mr. Unz’s younger brother,  is now locked in an old snus refrigerator while the SnusCentral Board of Directors decides his fate.  The legendary SnusCentral Customer Service Team leaped into action and began contacting the affected customers.  As usual, when things go wrong at the SnusCentral Snus Store, all trails lead to Moe Unz.

Confidentially yours,

The SnusCENTRAL Intelligence Agency
Telling you stuff we know and others don’t