Snus Diplomacy Crisis: SnusCENTRAL’s Larry Waters heading for Sweden

Negotiations between Swedish Match AB,  and SnusCENTRAL.org over the alleged detention of Swedish Match officials Joakim Blom and Markus Ersmark at the Snus Central Command Bunker experienced an unexpected breakthrough this week.

The Government of Sweden dispatched a squadron of Saab Snus Fighter Jets which deliberately over-flew the Snus Central Command Bunker.  How Sweden or Swedish Match discovered the location of the Snus stronghold is as yet unknown.

SnusCENTRAL Intelligence Agency officials, speaking off the record, suspect a low ranking member of the the SnusCENTRAL staff  ordered free samples of General Snus using the SnusCENTRAL Command Bunker address as the delivery location.

Snus Lord Larry Waters, aka Mr. UNZ, insist that the appearance of the Swedish Snus Fighter Jets had absolutely nothing to do with the last minute decision to contact Swedish Match directly to negotiate a meeting over the Joakim/Markus situation.

At a hastily called Press Conference, Mr. Waters made the following statement:

“Purely in the interests of World Peace and the advancement of Swedish Snus and all Reduced Harm Tobacco products,  I and my staff have decided to accept Swedish Match AB’s generous offer to fly us to Sweden for a summit meeting in Gothenburg.  We will be leaving June 10th 2009 and returning June 14th 2009.  We are convinced we can settle this terrible misunderstanding concerning Joakim and Markus.”

Mr. Jarzombek echoed those sentiments and thanked Swedish Match AB for hosting the first ever Snus Summit.

“We were planning on taking the 1966 Chevy I used to escape to SnusCENTRAL with, a couple of sleeping bags and some Power Bars, but Swedish Match indicated that using an automobile to travel from the United States to Sweden would present time and logistical delays they found unacceptable.

Reluctantly, we have chosen to accept their demands of air travel on SAS, eating wonderful Swedish cuisine instead of Power Bars, and to stay in fancy hotel rooms during our stay in Gothenburg.  Swedish Match just beat us into submission on these issues”

Waters and his team will stop briefly in Stockholm to confer with Joakim Nilsson of JTI Sweden before proceeding on to Gothenburg.  They also have meetings scheduled with other unnamed individuals prior to leaving the Snus Summit.

Once arriving in Gothenburg at 10am local time on Jun 11th, the Snus Lord and company will be treated to a whirl-wind schedule of factory tours, meeting with various very important people at Swedish Match, and of course, discussions on finding a mutually acceptable way to return Markus and Joakim to Swedish Match.

In a flash of defiance, Waters did make a point of very clearly stating “be it from the SnusCENTRAL Bunker or from Sweden, Joakim and Markus will remain available to answer SnusCentral Member and Visitor questions in the Swedish Match section of  ‘Ask the Snus Makers!’ on SnusCENTRAL.org. That point is non-negotiable.”

Jarzombek interjected “and we ARE going to visit a bunch of Swedish Snus Shops in Gothenburg, make no mistake about it.”

In a thinly veiled slap at the Obama administration which allowed the Swedish Saab Snus Fighters to enter US airspace, Mr. Waters added “We are also going to use as much Cuban tobacco Swedish Snus as we possibly can while in Sweden.  And we ARE bringing the empty Cuban tobacco snus tins back to the United States!”

Taboca A/S manufacturers the Montecristo Mini Snus,  Portion Snus, and Loose Snus;, the Romeo y Julieta Senorita Mini Snus, and the Romeo y Julieta Portion #2, all which contain a blend of tobacco including that from Cuba.

Despite their heavy schedules, both Larry Waters his companions will be fully outfitted with Netbooks, digital video and still cameras.  As time allows, they will be reporting live from Stockholm and Gothenburg both via articles, tweets on twitter, and other media.  Other articles will follow once they arrive back in the United States and catch a quick 20 hours of sleep.

Ambassador Waters sees the Snus Summit with Swedish Match as a groundbreaking event in the Snus world.

Waters added “It is simply beyond comprehension; both in the United States and the EU, that there are those who would punish and deny current cigarette smokers Reduced Harm alternatives which are at least 98% less harmful than smoking cigarettes.  In this I believe all snus, snuff, and other oral nicotine delivery system manufacturers and rational anti-cigarette activists stand united.”

Swedish Match declined to comment, citing the sensitive nature of the topics to be discussed at the Snus Summit.  Inside sources at SMAB privately stated they wished Larry  had kept his mouth shut as well.

About Swedish Match AB: They are very, very, big and powerful.  They are the largest Swedish Snus manufacturer and distributor in the world.  They are also the largest cigar distributor in the world and also produce and distribute matches, lighters, American Chewing Tobacco and Moist Snuff.  They probably make other stuff too but they don’t talk about it and their Annual Report is in Swedish.  They do make some really great Swedish Snus, though!

About SnusCENTRAL.org: SnusCENTRAL.org is the largest single repository of everything snus including snus reviews, snus columnists, tobacco industry legislative updates, the Snus Forum, snus FAQ’s, medical and scientic studies, and a whole bunch more.  SnusCENTRAL.org is launching v2 of it’s famous website just prior to the Snus Summit.

Press Contact:

Larry Waters
Mail:  info@snuscentral.org
Phone: 011-972-897-0628
GMT -6