It began at about 11pm GMT-6 the night before we were scheduled to leave with a mysterious series of “wrong numbers” phone calls. These were designed to render me sleep deprived and vulnerable...especially when packing.
An insidious false itinerary caused your snus hero to arrive at DFW airport at 4:50 AM for what he thought was a 6:55 AM flight to Chicago to join forces with Rob Jarzombek, aka That Snus Guy.
Upon check-in, I discovered that my flight didn’t actually depart until 11:20 AM! I also discovered my Swedish Snus Ambassador to the United State credentials were not enough to get me into the American Airlines’ Ambassador Club! Should have taken the United flights to and from Chicago.
Then electronic signal jammers left my state-of-the-art HTC Fuze a confused software mess incapable of sending a tweet, let along making a call.
Arriving in Chicago, I was greeting by Snus Guy and a security detail. While the Signal Specialist quickly repaired my Smart phone and hardened it against future anti-tobacco attacks, we were whisked through Airport Security; slowed only by the adoring crowd who insisted on autographed snus cans and taking some photos with me. I only had to kiss two babies although one seemed to have eaten some bad baby food.
The conspiracy exploded again at the Scandinavian Airlines (SAS) counter where anti-tobacco hackers had changed our seat assignments; first bumping us out of our deserved business class into steerage, then splitting us up. That Snus Guy suddenly found himself seated between three screaming children; including the one with chronic diaper disorder.
The Security Detail was barred from the plane as their swords were more than 4 inches long. I fared better, but was still isolated. The Snus Terrorists strategy seemed to be divide and conquer.
Since my Texas Concealed Handgun License didn’t seem to be valid in either Chicago or Sweden, I was armed with only a pen and some Extra Strong Snus.
At this point I called the Captain over. “Have you ever heard of Joakim and Markus of Swedish Match AB"? I asked, flashing a can of General Onyx? The pilot went pale…although it was hard to tell as he was a fair-skinned very blond Swede.
Our seats in business class were not recoverable but he instructed that an old man be tossed from the seat next to me in steerage and Snus Guy slid in, riding shotgun.
The meal, even in steerage was very good and the flight attendants were very friendly and helpful. Apparently under orders from the Captain, we were given considerably more alcoholic beverages than we were entitled to. Things finally seemed to be under control. As I settle in for some Top Secret neotiation planning, all that was shattered in an instant!
Down the aisle came our friends the flight attendants with their duty-free shopping cart. It was loaded with bottles of alcohol, cartons of Marlboro cigarettes, candy, and other such items. When they came to me (since Snus Guy selfishly grabbed the window seat even though his bladder has the capacity of a tea-cup), I innocently asked “Do you have any Swedish Snus?”
She looked at me strangely and said “where do you get Swedish snus from?” I causally replied “Sweden, of course.”
Then to my abject horror, she replied “We don’t have any snus on SAS. Only cigarettes.”
SAS….Scandinavian Airlines had no Swedish Snus? I was stunned!
Loudly unbuckling my seat-belt, I rose in righteous fury.
Again flashing my can of General Onyx, I loudly proclaimed “I am the Swedish Snus Ambassador to the United States of America! Are you telling me Scandinavian Airlines sells duty-free cartons of Marlboro cigarettes in-flight but has NO Swedish Snus!!!!!!!”
She glanced over at me and said “That’s right” and rolled the duty-free cart to the next row. I turned to my fellow passengers for support, but most were watching “Hotel for Dogs” on their Economy–Class video screens.
“Oh.” I replied. “Well, I’m filing a complaint with Stockholm AND Brussels over this outrage!” I sat back down and decided to take a nap, my last view out the window being of icebergs and ice floats. Where the hell were we anyway? Isn’t this the route the Titanic took?
One the Road to Sweden,
Representing Swedish Snus on Land, Sea, and Air
Reporting for SnusCENTRAL.org