Copenhagen Flood Panics Snus Markets Worldwide

As Copenhagen struggles to recover from massive flooding yesterday, Swedish and Scandinavian snus users around the world (where legal) were stunned to discover the Snus Store at SnusCentral.com was a casualty of the floods. SnusCentral officials confirmed today that while the physical snus store is secure in Sweden, their Internet servers based in Copenhagen were off-line.

Official confirmation that SnusCentral.com was down quickly pushed other flood related news off the front pages in Denmark. TV coverage of the massive damage inflicted upon the the historic fortress Citadel in Copenhagen quickly cut away for the latest on the SnusCentral.com situation.

Poetically, the hosting company used by the SnusCentral Snus Store is named Surftown. Surftown released the following statement hours ago:

“Surftown operates out of 3 data centers located in Sealand. The primary data center is the former Tiscali data center, located on the harbor in Copenhagen. Unfortunately, this area was the hardest hit by the huge masses of water we got slammed in the head with yesterday. Although this data center is state of the art, it could not, like many other data centers in Copenhagen, cope with the massive amounts of water.

Surftown has UPSs, generator backup and it basically does not crash. But it’s unfortunately not effective when the wiring between all this security is under water. Therefore we have to move physical servers to a secondary data center. This is quite unusual and, unfortunately, takes time.”

In countries around the world, particularly the United States, the Suftown remarks caused immediate panic. Snus users lamented that without SnusCentral.com and its legendary low prices for fresh snus, they didn’t know how they would survive. “The choice,” as one US snuser stated, was “either cutting out dinner for a month or buying cheap expired/soon to expire snus from somewhere else!”

Mobs of US Swedish and Scandinavian snus users have been reported to be beating on the doors of any tobacco shop selling General Snus. Unfortunately, most are closed for the holiday weekend and there aren’t that many of these stores anyway yet.

Hospital Emergency Rooms across the country have been clogged with snus users who tried to choke down the sickly-sweet American-style snus from companies like RJRT and Altria in a vain attempt to find bio-available nicotine.

Former cigarette smoker (allegedly) President Obama has been silent on the SnusCentral crisis and is believed to be playing golf today. FDA Tobacco Czar Dr. Lawrence Deyton has also made no public comment but is said to be in very good spirits.

Moe Unz, Manager of the SnusCentral Snus Store, arrived in Copenhagen a few hours ago to personally view the situation. SnusCIA sources believe Unz may have brought a suitcase full of Swedish and Danish Snus with him, hoping to motivate Surftown server farmers into making the restoration of SnusCentral.com their top priority.

Unz spoke briefly to reporters, saying emphatically,”This is not my fault. I had nothing to do with it. This was an act of God, not a case of me spilling beer on our server as happened two years ago!” Ironically, it was this past drunken carelessness by Moe Unz which led to the SnusCentral.com servers being moved to Denmark where they would be “safe”.

Unz further stated, “Because of this snus disaster, last week’s Snus Special (Skruf Slim Fresh White Portion) would be held over another week. Weekly Snus Special scheduled for this week; Nick and Johnny Crushed Ice Xtra Strong portion, will be added once the site is running again.“

An IMF official not authorized to comment on the SnusCentral.com situation felt that while the snus world may be reeling from today’s news, the long holiday weekend in the US should keep world financial markets stable until the SnusCentral Snus Store was back on-line. The latest news from Surftown is that 70%+ of their customer’s websites would be back online today; the remaining 30% on Monday.

In Brussels, EU representatives from Finland were very happy that the Copenhagen flood knocked SnusCentral.com off the Internet. SnusCentral has never sold Swedish snus in the EU and especially Finland but the Finnish government hates snus, especially from Sweden. The Copenhagen and SnusCentral disasters give Finland yet another opportunity to show their devotion to Brussels.

French officials were said to not even be aware of the situation in Copenhagen since it doesn’t have anything to do with France. One French official was allegedly overheard saying “screw Denmark; screw Sweden; screw snus; lets go have a cigarette.”

For now America, let not your hearts be troubled. Honor your country and those who have, and still do, defend it. Enjoy your 4th of July festivities, hotdogs and Real snus. Click periodically on SnusCentral.com to see if your snus store is back to serve you.

Patriotically yours,

LARRY WATERS

I’m an Unz on my mother’s side of the family
Reporting for SnusCENTRAL.org